Getting Cloud Strife A Date
by ACID35
Summary: Cloud Strife, a man who can save the world, yet fails to see how every day life works. Come, let me tell you the story about how I aided this poor man in his romantic life. It's... interesting to say the least.
1. Chapter 1

Getting Cloud Strife a Date

Ah, most certainly this is one of my favorite stories to tell. Cloud Strife, a man considered to be a hero by many, is quite the character in his day to day life. Simply put, he is a man who loves to abuse himself. Whether it be verbally or physically, Cloud enjoyed getting himself down. It was no wonder then, why he was still single. This is how my adventure came to pass young ones.

Yes, I recall that day. I was around twenty four at the time. I had not direct line to Cloud at that point, I only saw him on occasion when Raiden had poker nights at my house. That however, is a completely different story I won't get into at this point. Right now we speak of Cloud, and only Cloud. Through casual conversation with Raiden I discovered that Cloud was going through somewhat of a rough patch, romantically.

It seemed that through his awkward social skills and constant depressive outlook on life, he had successfully driven away any women interested in him. To put it bluntly, Cloud needed some lady help. Now, granted, I am no expert when it comes to understanding women. But this was an opportunity I could not pass up. When Raiden said that Cloud was beginning to seek help from dating books, I immediately volunteered to help him to go and do some lady searching. Raiden didn't seem nearly as ecstatic about the idea as I was, but through some violent arguing I managed to get Cloud Strife's personal cell number.

This however, was only the beginning of the adventure. Even though I had gotten a way to contact Cloud, I knew full well my chances of reaching him were slim to none. Cloud never answered his phone, ever. I didn't believe this until I tried calling him, for two full weeks. Indeed, I called that sorrowful hero for two straight weeks, day in and day out. I never ceased, in fact, I even started to write him poetry.

What could it hurt? A little poetry can go a long way, especially with the emotionally unstable. I would write sonnets, haiku's, even free verse. All of them were basically my resume for him to accept my help for his dating life. I tried to sound as emotionally understanding as I could with lines like, "My heart yearns for your orifice." There was absolutely no way I could wrong with such ingenious wording and sentence structure. Well… now that I think about it… I guess there were some ways that could go wrong. I digress however.

My newfound confidence was quickly sapped from me, as two weeks slowly turned into two months. I do recall crying myself to sleep more than once during that time. Cloud Strife was becoming an unhealthy obsession in my life, I'd lost sight of everything else.

Perhaps it would be in my best interest to tell you readers that I was in no way shape or form attracted to Cloud. No, that was far from the case. I simply wanted to meet the man, he had defeated Sephiroth so many times, who wouldn't want to meet him? It was because of my constant yearning that I slowly began to have frequent emotional breakdowns.

Four months had passed, and by now I had given up on Mr. Strife. Strange how fate works, because as soon as I stopped calling that depressed blonde haired crybaby – he called me. The call took me by surprise to say the least. I still remember what he said clearly to this day. My phone rang, I looked to see who it was, and when I saw it was Cloud I answered immediately.

"Hello?" I said with a large potency of excitement.

"Ok." That's what Cloud whispered over the receiver.

"Ok?"

"Yeah, I don't deserve this and… I don't deserve you but… ok." I cloud hear Cloud starting to sob over the line, it made me scratch the back of my head in discomfort.

"Yeah Cloud… so I don't want to sound like a jerk or anything but I have no idea what you're talking about right now."

"Relationships!" Cloud screamed, "You said you could help me make things right, well, let's make things right."

"Ok, so, you want me to help you get a date then?" I asked, still slightly confused what Cloud wanted exactly.

"Ok." Was his reply. With that he hung up, and I didn't hear from him for a week.

Things only got stranger from this point on. Even though I knew Cloud wanted me to help him, he had left no way for me to contact him. What I didn't know, was that Cloud had been watching me the entire week. I don't know why he did things the way he did, but to be honest I'd simply like to leave things where they lie.

Span another week, I had gone to the mall by myself to do some clothes shopping. For once I looked decent, well dressed. Remember that, it ties into this story much farther down the line. Apparently this was the day Cloud thought it best to begin our lady hunting. And so, while I sat at the food court drinking a freshly bought coke a cola, I heard the sound of heavy footsteps behind me. Like everyone else in the food court I looked around to see who it was, and there stood Cloud Strife.

Like the ignorant man that he was, Cloud had taken the liberty of bringing his overgrown buster sword with him. He wore a black drab, and heavy black biker boots. The only thing that was favorable about him at the time was his well done spiky hair. To this day I don't know how that man styled his hair so well, I've tried many times. That is irrelevant to what we speak of now however.

"Cloud!" I said with some surprise. I stood up immediately and walked over to him, "Wow, I didn't expect to see you here… with your… sword." It was here that I realized just how short Cloud was. Have you ever stood next to that man? He stands an even five six, trust me, it takes away from his magnificent persona.

Cloud nodded, "So… are we going to do this thing?"

Luckily for me I remembered right away that Cloud had asked for my help with dating, "Oh, yeah sure! You caught me at a good time actually. Come on sit down with me."

"No." He said with contempt.

"No?"

"We can't do this sitting down can we? Can we?" For a thin short man Cloud certainly carried a commanding voice. By now many of the people around us were looking at Cloud with a great amount of fear in their eyes.

"Alright, look Cloud there's a few things we should cover before we venture any further."

Cloud crossed his arms, "Like what?"

"Like for starters you can't be carrying around that giant sword in this mall." I said pointing to the buster sword on his back.

Cloud scoffed and shook his head, he looked at the people around us, then back at me. "Are you madness?"

Honestly, I didn't know how to respond to that, "What?"

"If this sword leaves my side… I will be weaponless." Cloud's eyes scanned over mine.

I answered quickly, "Girls like that Cloud. When you don't carry lethal weapons, girls like you a lot more."

Thankfully Cloud seemed to understand my statement, because after a long pause he pulled the sword off his back and handed it to me. "Then do with it what you will. I don't deserve it anyway…"

I tried to hold the sword with as much ease as he, I quickly found that impossible. I let the iron mass of a blade crash to the ground. I dusted off my hands and smiled at Cloud politely.

"Ok, so, let's get you a girl huh?"

"How?" He asked me weakly, "How will you get anyone to like me? This mess that is me? How can anyone like me? I am mess! Me is mess! A Mess!"

Yeah, right then I knew this would be a difficult process. But hey, it hadn't been easy up to this point anyway. So, girding up my loins, I grabbed onto Cloud's shoulder and led him down one of the large halls of the mall. I waited for him to calm down, and then I spoke.

"Now Cloud, being at the mall is a good advantage for us. First, let me ask you, how good are you at making conversation with the opposite sex?"

"What is conversation?" Cloud asked me blandly.

I stared at him, "Was… that a joke?"

He stared back, "Should it be?" We looked at each other awkwardly for a moment. This little finding only made things worse. After further investigation I soon found out that Cloud had absolutely no social skills whatsoever, let alone the ability to attract a mate one day. So I sat him down and went through the basics.

Like how to introduce one's self, how to be a gentlemen, understanding that the right intentions lead to a healthy relationships... so on and so forth. After our three hour talk Cloud jumped up from his seat.

"Ok… I'm ready for this… I think." He looked over to me, making sure he stood in an attractive and masculine pose. "How does my hair look right now?"

I sighed and shook my head, "It looks fine. Alright now let's see… we need ourselves just a lady you can talk to." I began to search for someone that Cloud could practice his conversation skills on, by no means did I mean for him to attempt a pickup at this point. Cloud seemed to have some other ideas on his mind however.

"I've spotted one… I'm going in." Cloud's eyes were fierce, and I, like the silly child I was, simply sat back and let it happen… what happened next was pure amazement.


	2. Chapter 2

I watched Cloud from afar, unsure what exactly he had in store when it came to communication with the woman he was about to speak to. He walked with confidence, and I suppose that in itself was somewhat of an accomplishment. The girl he was about to speak to was dressed in complete gothic clothing and seemed to have no interest in Cloud as he walked up to her.

I watched as he met her eye to eye and began to speak. Surprised by his quick progress, I thought perhaps things would only get better from this point on. That however, was the wrong idea to have. Suddenly before I knew it Cloud was weeping uncontrollably, grabbing onto the shocked girl with all his might. She immediately began to scream for security, and I knew that was my cue to get Cloud out of the situation. I quickly walked over to the two of them and grabbed onto Cloud's shoulder.

"And then… I let her die! I let her die!" He screamed as he removed his clutch from the girl and grabbed a hold of me.

"Security!" The woman screamed in a frantic state.

"No! this man doesn't mean any harm, I promise! Cloud get a hold of yourself!" I shook Cloud frantically.

He looked up at me with tear filled eyes, his lower lips was trembling uncontrollably. He was a pathetic sight, I will be the first to admit that.

"I let her die…" He whispered into my ear.

I nodded slowly and began to lead him out of the mall, "I know." I replied.

Cloud looked at me somewhat surprised, "Wait, you do?"

"Yeah, anyone who's played final fantasy seven knows that Cloud."

"They made it into a game?"

I cleared my throat uncomfortably, "You didn't know?"

Cloud shook his head, "Who would ever want to play that game… wait, then everybody knows I'm not really a machina soldier?"

"Come on Cloud, let's just get out of here." I replied, trying to change the subject as quickly as I could.

"My pride is gone." Cloud looked over at the screaming girl, she looked at him in terror. "I would be afraid of me to…" He mumbled weakly.

I rolled my eyes and dragged him out of the mall, once cleared from the multitude of guards I sat him down on some benches. I recall it being a warmer day, because I do remember asking Cloud if it was too hot outside for him. He never answered my question, instead he looked at me with red eyes and asked,

"How did I do?"

I looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "You mean…with that girl?"

Cloud nodded slowly. I let out an uncomfortable sigh and scratched the back of my head, "Well, to be perfectly honest, not all that great."

He nodded in return, "I thought as much."

We sat in silence, never making eye contact with one another. Cloud kicked the trash resting beneath us and looked out into the decaying parking lot.

"So, what did I do wrong?"

I remember hesitating before I answered, even though I knew Cloud had done everything wrong, I had to try and think positive. "Well, I think maybe your clinging a little bit too much on your faults Cloud."

"My… my faults?" He asked.

"Yeah, your faults." I replied standing up.

"I have faults?" He shrieked standing up next to me.

I stared at him for a moment, surprised by his question. "Cloud, everyone has faults. It's nothing to freak out over."

Cloud's face became more content, "Oh, ok. Well, what should I do about them?"

"Well the first thing we probably want to do is…"

"Answer my question!" Cloud demanded grabbing onto my collar.

Quickly understanding that I had no natural talent towards teaching people, I spoke quickly, "Cloud… how about you and I run through some warm up drills alright? I think that would help tremendously."

Cloud nodded eagerly, "Ok, sounds good to me." His eyes began to water once again, I didn't blame him however. That Cloud fellow was far too emotional. It seemed he cried about everything.

He released his grip on me, and I took several steps away from him. With a deep breath, I began our "Warm ups"

"Ok, so first thing we need to do is just get a little loose." I started to jump up and down slightly while shaking my arms, "Just get the blood flowing."

Cloud started to mimic me, once he seemed to have a good pace he grew very excited. "Now what?" He asked me eagerly.

"Uh… ok… let's see… yeah! Ok so let's start saying some words of encouragement alright? Let's say some stuff that'll get you pumped!"

Cloud nodded eagerly, "I am famous!" He shouted.

"That's the spirit!" I shouted back, "You're a super hero!"

Cloud let out a shrieking laugh, "I beat Sephiroth twice!"

"Yeah! That's it! Keep going!" I will admit, the people who stopped to stare at us did make me slightly uncomfortable. But now wasn't the time to be self-conscious, now was the time to help Cloud.

"I can fly!" He said in an unstable voice, sounding more like a raving lunatic than someone being encouraged.

"Uh Cloud… I don't think you can actually fly… your getting a little…"

"I let my best friend die!" Cloud let out a shrilling laugh, and that is when I knew I had failed my task completely. His flaring eyes turned to group of onlookers, and like a leopard he pounced at them. The first to feel his wrath was an old man, which he slapped hard in the face before pushing him to the ground.

"Cloud! Get a hold of yourself man!" I shouted running after him.

But my words were no longer reaching him, somewhere in that depraved and recluse mind of his Cloud had lost it. He had gone from trying to find a date to attacking everything in his path.

"Level up!" He kept shouting, "I have to level up!" he sucker punched I child in the face, who collapsed to the floor instantly "Twenty two experience points!"

"Cloud, that's not how things work here!" I shouted after him. He moved far too quick for me to keep up. Before I knew it, the man had attached himself to his bike. With diabolical laughter his started its engine and took off, zooming off into the distance, hitting several by passers with one of his swords while doing so.

The last thing I remember him saying did make me feel slightly better though.

As he speed off into the distance I heard his voice call out, "Thank you Adam!"

To this day, I'm not quite sure how to take his compliment. Honestly, I don't know if he helped him, or just made him into a lunatic. Either way, it was most indeed an interesting story to tell.

FIN


End file.
